Tock Tick Tock
First and for most I had this whole spewl written out then my phone messed up and here we are trying this again. Here goes nothing.
This quote in the image rings the constant nag of the time watching it as it seems to drag by. My body as a pretty good internal clock down to a minute or two from the actual time. I always know the time but still look. The constant cycle spinning through my head as my brain never shuts off. Constantly thinking through a brain fog now, before it was just pure chaos. Not sure either is good. Making list mentally verbally sticking them thinking them when ever it can. Subconsciously consciously writing brain never shutting off. Of course it’s never what I actually need as far as information goes. Squirrel brain to say the least, completely sound though and am greatful for that even with the brain fog. I do wonder though is it worth it with all these side effects. Sitting questioning wondering am I doing it right . Is that what the doctor said . The thing a what ? Is that good or bad? Crud why can’t I remember. Some days are better than others. I’m present and in the moment, most the time.
I just want it to shut off sometimes. Not going to lie because I’m just trying to be raw and let what I’m thinking flow. I don’t like too, nor do I condone it but I have taken a little extra sleepy medicine to turn the switch off. No dreams . No terrors. No real movement. Pretty much zonked. It scares me though that I hit that point.
I question the amount my body goes on autopilot just out of pure routine and functionality . Medicine time. Time to pee. Did you take enough steps. Is that right or is that wrong. Oh wait we are only guessing because no one knows what’s up or down.
Then I stop. I breathe. I remember I am present. I am here. I am doing my best. May not be to the standards of ocd trauma brain of mine . I showed up. I did what I can at that moment. Be present. It is enough. #MentalHealth #AutonomicDysfunction #RaynaudsPhenomenon #RheumatoidArthritis #ChronicFatigue #Depression #MixedConnectiveTissueDiseaseMCTD